Finding the Words

Have you ever struggled to put what you feel into words? Read about why it helps to expand your 'emotional vocabulary'.

Do you know someone who finds everything ‘horrendous’ or ‘a complete disaster’? Traffic jams, arguments, curled up sandwiches, paper cuts, famine and war… with no attempt to distinguish what is inconvenient, unpleasant or truly catastrophic.

Feelings start in the body as physical sensations, then our minds give the feelings a meaning that we can put into words. At this point, most of us habitually reach for familiar words and phrases to describe what we think we are feeling.

Unconsciously, we choose words that fit the sort of person we expect ourselves to be, without realising that we are limiting our ability to express the full range of emotions that we experience. What do I mean by that?

If I have learned from experience that showing anger isn't safe or feminine, whenever I feel anger in my body I will think of the feeling as ’sadness’ or ‘frustration’ or ‘disappointment’ instead. Or perhaps I believe life is dog-eat-dog; if I show I am vulnerable, I will be exploited. I am more likely to think of physical feelings of sadness or hurt as an attack, and respond with anger or aggression of my own.

These patterns become entrenched so that we are not aware of the mismatch between our actual physical feelings and what we think we are feeling. But our true physical feelings do emerge in symptoms like disguised aggression, anxiety, depression, or even physical aches and pains. As Bessel Van Der Kolk says, 'The Body Keeps the Score'.

Expanding your emotional vocabulary

Try to fill at least a page with words that describe moods, emotions and feelings. Group the words under broad categories, like words describing joy, contentment, sadness, anger, fear or disgust.

Now, imagine a scale from 1 to 10, and rate each word depending on how much strength the word has for you. For example if you have been thinking of words describing anger, you might give “miffed” a score of 1, “cross” a score of 5, and “furious’ a score of 10. Your scale will be personal to you, so there is no right answer. You can add to your page any time.

Reflect on what you have written. Were you able to fill the page? Have words been harder to find in some categories compared with others? Are you aware as you look at the words of feelings that arise for you? Are there emotions you know you avoid feeling or putting in to words?

I encourage you to try this exercise with your partner, children, and friends. You can help each other in areas where you struggle to think of words, and learn about each other as you discuss what the words mean to you, and your personal 'scales' of meaning.